listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
