I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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