She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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