don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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