you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
