Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
