Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
