My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
