beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
