Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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