Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
