those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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