At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
