Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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