Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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