She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
