If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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