Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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