My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
