I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
