He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
