My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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