i love accidental penises.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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