you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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