i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
