just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
