I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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