Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
