I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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