Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
