I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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