I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
