I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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