dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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