I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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