i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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