I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
