Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
