This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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