you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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