when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
