How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
