Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
