I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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