It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
