Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
