everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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