My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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