the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
