dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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