I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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