I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize