Your face is a jimmy john
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
