it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
