he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
