Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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