The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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